Selfish
by littlemissstu
Summary: Dean gets into some trouble with a herd of demons and calls on Castiel for help, with some unfortunate results. Destiel.


Protecting Dean. That was always the main goal, always the reason Cas kept fighting and mainly why he kept winning. Protect Dean from everything he could, from monsters, Leviathans. Demons. But even with his heavenly powers, a herd of about 20 or so demons and a very unprepared Cas (who had just heard Dean's desperate prayer and had no idea what was going on when he came down) wasn't a good mix. Cas had managed to get about 2/3 of them before they caught him, lighting a hasty ring of fire around him as two demons held his arms, restraining him. The Winchester was scrambling to his feet, having just been knocked down by the group as they had fought to capture Cas.

One of the demons grabbed Cas' angel knife from his trench coat, but Cas didn't notice. Too busy fighting against the arms of the other two demons as a pair of them restrained Dean in the same fashion, forcing him to watch. Cas only had a little bit of time to catch eyes with the hunter before the piercing, burning pain of his knife being impaled through his skin and into his vessel's abdomen had him letting out a sharp cry of pain, falling to his knees and quivering as the demon ripped the knife out again with a sneer. Cas managed to grab the demons holding him and smite them, along with the one that had stabbed him. The other demons, restraining Dean, loosened their grip as hisses of anger passed through their lips, and Cas watched vaguely as the hunter took advantage of their distraction and fought them. He felt a sharp pain of guilt and shame stab through him as he realized he couldn't help, that Dean was in trouble and there was nothing Cas could do. He clutched at the wound that permeated his skin, wincing as he tried to hold the pressure on it and the sounds of dying demons starting to fade into the background.

Panic was the only thing that Dean could process at that moment. "_Cas!_" The scream ripped from his throat, struggling wildly against the demons. He saw the angel, _his_ angel, crumble to the ground, just as the demons holding his arms took a swing at him. He grabbed the knife from his jacket, slashing at them until they fell to the ground. The last one was still falling as Dean raced over to Castiel, falling to his knees next to him and gathering him up in his arms. "Cas? Come on, buddy, hang on, it's okay.." Words tumbled from his mouth, fear gripping his heart at the blank look in the angel's eyes. "Cas, please, hold on, come on, you're gonna be okay.."

Cas blinked slowly, finding his eyes growing heavier by the second. He squinted through the haze of his vision at Dean's blurry figure, trying to force his eyes to bring the human into focus and held onto his words as best as he could. He gripped the front of Dean's shirt, trying to sit up on his own, but he found the attempt futile as pain shot through his body at the movement and sent him collapsing back into Dean's arms. Cas bit his lip as the wound in his stomach burned white-hot, light starting to claw its way up his veins as the poison from the knife spread through him. He pressed his hand desperately to his wound, trying in vain to heal it with his grace, and was somewhat grateful that the demons didn't know much about killing angels. That they had avoided stabbing him through the neck. At least Cas would have a little more time to figure this out, because as he looked into the fearful eyes of his human, he knew he couldn't leave him. It would just be irresponsible of him. Cas found his body weakening, his grip loosening on the front of Dean's shirt and he started to panic, outwardly turning more and more pale and sullen-looking as the seconds passed. He observed the human's face with the ever-confused look he had on his features, "You're hurt," he observed, pressing a hand to the hunter's cheek and using a small amount of grace to heal where the demon had punched Dean that took a lot more out of him than he had expected, forcing his breathing from already ragged but slightly normal to short, painful gasps. He swallowed hard, trying to hide this fact from Dean. He knew it would worry the hunter.

Dean knew. He could feel it, in Cas' shaking body and the blood soaking through his coat and onto his arms. The hunter brought a hand up to catch Castiel's, holding it tightly against his chest. "No, no, Cas, I'm fine, just- make yourself better, you can't-" his breathing caught in his throat around a lump of fear. "You've got to stay with me." He managed, fighting to keep his voice even. Green eyes widened and stared into fading blue ones, the hunter's hands grasping at his angel's coat. His blood gathered on the ground, his jacket and Cas' coat, the warm liquid sitting black in the dim light. "You gotta stay with me, Cas, _hang on,_ please.." he held the angel's hands in his, trying to squeeze some reassurance into both of them. "You have to stay."

A smile flickered on Cas' lips as Dean grabbed his hands, feeling all too warm around the icy-cold skin. He held his human's gaze, staring shamelessly into his eyes like he had so many times before. They were one of his favorite features of Dean, after all. "You mean everything to me, Dean. I trust you know that," he stated, starting to give up hope as the painful poison raked its way up his veins even further, now moving faster. His eyes flickered to their hands, still linked together, and the smile really became apparent now. Despite how pained it was. Cas removed one hand to comb through Dean's hair, lingering on his cheek as he searched for his reaction, "You must promise to take care of yourself," Cas said urgently, "Consider your safety above anyone else's once in a while," Cas knew how Dean liked to lay down his life in a heartbeat if he thought it was right, and that was something Cas couldn't bear. Couldn't bear to see him in the afterlife so soon. Because he wouldn't be able to save him this time if Dean landed himself back in Hell.

At the angel's touch, tears spilled over Dean's cheeks, pain condensing in his chest. "No, no, please, please, don't say-" he couldn't even get the word out, he wouldn't say it. "Cas, you can't leave me. You gotta figure out some way, get out of that body or- or something, you gotta stay, I can't…" tears rolled down his cheeks now, holding the angel, his angel, one of the two most important people on this earth, held him closer against his chest, Cas' smile ripping his heart in two. "You're not allowed to leave me, Cas, you can't, you have to stay, just hang on, you'll be okay." Tears blurred his vision now, his voice washed over with pain and fear.

Cas groaned as the poison sent a painful lurch of pain up through him, now coating his entire lower half and making its way up his torso. He rested his head against Dean's shoulder for a second, closing his eyes and breathing in the hunter's scent before pulling away, taking Dean's face in his hands and wiping the tears away with his thumbs. He suppressed a grimace as the poison ruthlessly made its way through his veins. Cas stared at his human, the one he had given everything up for and hadn't been sure why, the one he had pulled out of Hell all those years ago and still stayed with him, even though he had nearly brought on the apocalypse. Cas had been with him all this time, had never understood why he had kept staying, until he looked at how upset Dean was, the pain and fear in his eyes as he watched Cas. Everything became clear, and Cas wasted no time clarifying it to Dean. "I love you, Dean," he said, almost shocked as he realized the fact, that it had been staring him in the face for so long. Another stab of pain, farther up his veins the poison went, and Cas was staring at his human, the one who meant everything to him, the one that made it worth dying for, because if it wasn't Cas, it would've been Dean bleeding out on this floor in the middle of an abandoned warehouse.

Dean stared into Cas' eyes, now crying softly with his angel in his arms. "Don't say goodbye." Dean choked out, gripping Cas tighter against his chest, pain gripping his heart and twisting it in his chest. A sob escaped his throat, dropping his head to rest it on his angel's shoulder, pressing a kiss to his jaw. "I love you, Cas. Please, please don't leave me now. I can't-" the hunter gasped in a breath, another wave of tears coming as he felt Cas start to go limp in his arms. "-I can't lose you, Cas, please. I need you." It was his fault. He never should have called him, he should have just died and then Cas would be okay and they'd see each other in the afterlife and this wouldn't hurt so goddamn much…

His muscles were numbing, and Cas soon used Dean for all of his support. It was tearing at every fiber in his being, seeing Dean this upset and knowing he had caused it. He would've given anything to take it away, to stop Dean's tears from pooling between them and staining his trench coat. He was losing feeling in his arms, wrapped around Dean's neck, and all of his muscles were going limp. Cas sighed, wincing as the poison forced its way to the base of his neck, "No, Dean. You don't need me; you need Sam, you need this life. You will continue without me." Cas, on the other hand, needed Dean. Couldn't move on, couldn't live with himself if he hadn't shown up and Dean had died because of it. Cas planted a kiss to his human's temple, his hands gripping the back of Dean's shirt loosely. He curled tighter against Dean as shivers continued to roll down his spine, more pronounced now that he could feel the difference in body temperature between them.

Dean shook his head blindly, his fingers knotting in Cas' dirty trench coat, his fingers slipping in the blood. So much blood. "No, no, no, Cas, I can't- you can't-" he wouldn't be able to keep going. That guilt would sit with him forever, seeded deep in the pits of his heart every minute of every day until the moment he died. His fault. The angel shook violently in Dean's arms and he clung on tighter, tears flowing constantly down his cheeks with soft whimpers and sniffs interrupting his breathing. "I need you, Cas, I always have, you can't go." He choked out, "Am I- will I see you again?" That he needed to know. He couldn't keep going if he couldn't, he couldn't apologize enough now. He could feel the life leaving his angel, his body becoming heavier and he could barely feel him breathe anymore. "Please."

Cas took a shaky breath; it was getting hard for him to breathe now, his heart thudding in his chest and making Dean's words barely audible. "Yes," he lied. The truth was, Cas didn't know. He wasn't sure if he would be allowed back in Heaven, if his actions on earth would cast him into Hell, and he really didn't know where Dean was headed. But Dean needed to hear it, and Cas was always willing to give him what he needed. He shuddered violently as the poison started to make its final decent up, feeling his eyes, lips, nose and ears starting to burn as his true form was being shoved out. "Dean, look at me," he commanded, needing to see his face again before it was over, before the very real possibility of never seeing it again became final. Tears of his own were running down his face as he considered that possibility, finally hitting him. When Dean did so, Cas pressed his lips to his humans, trying to convey everything he couldn't put into words, everything he needed Dean to know without saying. It felt as natural as breathing, and Cas found himself wishing he could've told his feelings to Dean earlier, that they could've had more time together.

If Dean could have poured his heart and soul into one thing, it'd be that kiss. In that moment he wished he had more time, so much more time, and the reality of the situation, losing Cas, hit him like a semi truck. "I love you, Cas, I love you so much, I love you…" he said against his lips, his eyes locked in his angel's fading, dying blue ones. "I love you so much." It was all he could think to say. It was all he needed to. "I'm sorry. And I love you." He was going now, his head starting to drop back against the hunter's shoulder, the light in his eyes going darker. He watched his face, trying to memorize every single detail, every pore and crease because it was all he could think to do, was cry and watch. "I'm gonna find you, Cas, I promise, I'll see you again." he said, his voice starting to break in panic as he felt it coming. "I love you."

Cas opened his mouth to reply, wanting to return Dean's words of love, but scorching hot air found its way out of his mouth, and then light. It was slow at first, building up, pouring out of every pore as Cas' heart beat impossibly fast. Searing heat coursed through his veins, finding its way out of his mouth, his eyes, his ears, and Cas watched as Dean's figure started to be engulfed in light, everything outshined by the blinding light pouring out of him. In a last push of desperation and love, Cas grabbed Dean's hand, lacing his fingers through his as best as he could. The contact sent a wave of relief through Cas, of safety, and he didn't fear death any longer. Not as long as Dean was there with him, alive and well. He squeezed his hand lovingly as the burning light poured out of him, building up quickly. In a final, painful and blinding flash, accompanied by the cry of pain Cas couldn't help but utter, the room filled with the light, the ceiling lamps broke along with the ones outside, Cas' body was pulled up into a sitting position by the force of the blast. And suddenly, darkness. Cas' body was completely still, wingmarks scorched into the ground below him, stretching the span of the room of the warehouse. The ever-glowing electric blue eyes were glazed over and dull, and Dean was alone in the darkness.

Dean closed his eyes and clung to Cas, the light almost blinding even through his eyelids. It was a warm, almost scorching light, then darkness. He was still, the angel's hand still weaved in Dean. The hunter laid him down on the floor as gently as he could, the ashy wings fanning out on either side of him, a tribute of their own. And Dean laid down next to him, holding him still, crying against his limp shoulder. He'd lost so much, everyone, everyone he'd cared about he'd lost. "Just give me him." The whisper was barely audible through his tears, the prayer, his last, dying hope. "Haven't I done enough? Just… just him." He gave up then, not expecting any response, since when did the universe ever give him what he wanted? He sat for what might have been hours, holding his angel, stroking his hair, crying into his coat. Mumbled 'I love you's escaped his mouth every so often, the tears falling silently.

Seconds that felt like years passed before Dean finally stood, scooping the angel up in his arms and making his way to the Impala. Off to try and save the angel that he knew he never could. The angel that meant everything to him, the only person that he'd ever been bold enough to say 'I love you' to. And mean it with all his heart. Off to try and save his everything, his life. His soul that would never be complete again because he had been too weak to fight for himself.

And Dean knew it was exactly what he deserved.


End file.
